Thursday, June 2, 2011

Sometimes You Gotta Wave the White Flag

Stitchy and Taylor taking a power nap.

For days now we’ve been anxiously awaiting the judge’s ruling on my dog Stitch, and with each day that passes I am more on edge, still reeling from the insanity of it. How did this thing go to trial? How did the trial last a whole damn week? And why didn’t we get a ruling at the end? Every time I think we’re at the end of it, it gets dragged out further. Here we are a year and a half later. My nerves are a jangled mess. For the love of God let’s just get this over already! How much can one person take? And as if that weren’t enough, Stitch has some sudden mystery ailment. He’s listless, depressed and moving slowly, and for the past two days he won’t  eat. I took him to the vet yesterday and $200 later, they have no idea what’s wrong with him. I’ve lost two dogs to terrible illness in the past three years so to say I’m a bit paranoid….uh, yeah.

On top of that- one of my best friends, Anita, was rushed to the hospital yesterday to have a second heart transplant. How can a person as gentle and good as Anita go through this twice in a lifetime? When she made it through the first transplant nine years ago, we all breathed a sigh of relief. Until her second heart gave out.

Since the surgery yesterday, Anita has spent the last 24 hours in an induced coma, and I have spent that time basically flogging myself. I haven’t been a good enough friend! I haven’t visited enough.  Called enough.  Done enough. I’ve visited or chatted on the phone with her maybe once or twice a month. Yes my life has been insane with trials and tribulations, not to mention I’ve got little ones in my care, but if I am completely honest about it…the truth is that I haven’t seen her more because I can’t stand to watch my friend slipping away. It is so painful that I can only take it in small doses. If Anita can face all she has, then dammit I need to be stronger and face things I’m afraid of, like the possibility of losing her. 
Cindy, Beth, Me, Anita and Erin 

So here I am today, just a ball of stress, even though I know worry and stress (and self-flogging) serve nothing and no one. It is a complete waste of energy that should be invested into positive channels, like prayer, and faith, and positive action.

But what positive action can I take? Anita is in ICU. I can’t visit her, they don’t allow flowers. The trial is over, and it’s out of my hands. Vets don’t know what’s wrong with Stitch and he can’t talk.

Life is making it very clear that I have no control over anything right now. I’ve done what I could, and though I’m holding on by my fingernails to the illusion of control, my only real option is to sit here like a lump and wait.


So I do what I can. I write. I pray. I lament about it to you.

And when I’ve exhausted every other possibility, I surrender.

Que sera, sera.

(All prayers for Anita happily accepted! Keep 'em coming, people...)


  1. Hollye, relax,breathe, read a book, listen to music. What is suppose to happen will and all will be righted again. Love you and holding your friend in the light.

  2. Dearest Hollye,
    You are such a beautiful soul. You do so much more than you realize…..because you "LOVE"……with everything you've got, and that in itself is so much!! You just released the stress, pain, frustration, etc……and then you accepted the loss of control….there is nothing more you can do, but you know that already, by your own admission. They say that the man upstairs never gives us more than we can handle…..and all the ingredients to make lemonade! I see you making lemonade on facebook every day….and from where I sit, it tastes pretty damn good. Just keep doing what you're doing….what will happen, will happen….and lament to us anytime you need to because we all truly love you back and will always be here….far and near <3

  3. oh Hollye. I know that nothing I say can cure Anita or Stitch, or bring about a ruling from the (baffling) judge. but know that I HEAR YOU and because I have felt your feelings for different yet related reasons, I CARE I CARE I CARE. you are not alone, you are held in a sisterhood of empathy and wisdom, and it is from my wiser moments that I say to you, do all you can to empower your own skill at self-care and faith. and surrender to the larger force that your "little" will cannot control. If we all wait together and send positive vibes, the likelihood of happy outcomes are increased. So I wait with you.......Love Lori

  4. guys make me cry. Good tears. Tears of gratitude.
    Wow. I'm so lucky. What a circle of AMAZING people. You really are the best of the best, you know that?
    Oprah may have Gayle, but I have YOU, Madge and Georgie-girl and Lori and all my girls.
    Yeah, feeling pretty damned overwhelmed today but....I do know it will soon pass and everything will be okay. Whew, surrender is hard though.
    Thanks for letting me vent!

  5. Hollye, sometimes venting is all we have control over at the moment, so feel free to vent anytime you need to (and I know you've had more to need to vent about than any human should the past year or so!). As my friend Shari is always saying, KOPT! (Keep Only Positive Thoughts!) It's easier to say than to do, but trying keeps a person busy and less likely to let the negative take over. And as you know, you are not alone - you are surrounded by love. I'm sending a big hug your way and only positive thoughts for Anita (and Stitch, too).

  6. HOLLYE:
    you my dear gorgeous friend GIVE US ALL PERMISSION to speak the truth. to feel - to feel deeply, to care. to care more.
    we worry.
    we doubt.
    we worry more.
    we doubt more.
    trust, faith, doubt, love...
    you, hollye, fill us all with courage.
    i love you.

  7. Hollye, Stitch,Anita and Family~ You just put all your feelings into words over two very personal stressful situations. You are strong in mind and soul and like you all we can do is also wait but be there for you and why because we love and care. Which is exactly why you are writing this blog. Life tends to make us question and doubt many areas of the soul as to why, should have, would have, could have and I find it is usually only the ones who have done ALL they can who experience these emotions out of love. Today is Friday and even I have been checking your wall hoping, praying for good news on both. As for poor Stitch he probably feels your love and concern and is in the same situation as you waiting. Keep strong~you are all loved~

  8. Ah, Hollye. I wish you were closer so I could give you a massage (that's my other job). I sooo empathize with that "hit the wall" feeling. I suggest that barring coming up and spending a weekend with me that you find a massage therapist and allow yourself to be nurtured and soothed a little. These situations are all out of your control, which doesn't make them any less painful. But do something to recharge and soothe yourself.

    Love to you, Hollye.

  9. Yes, you are in a mire -- it's a tough one to "positive" your way out. But I would still say writing is your best "doing". Even for Anita. Why don't you write her like a little diary, just a short blurb each day, dedicated to her. It doesn't need to be about her necessarily, but could just be "smelled a gorgeous flower today, soaked it up just for you." Little things like that. When she gets out of ICU, you can share it with her and she'll know you experienced the outside world on her behalf. And you will feel connected to her in a spiritual way. (I suggest this because when I have tried it in the past, it has worked for a sick friend and for my own suffering heart). I'm praying for both of you (all of you!! Stitch!!!)
    xoxo B


I love hearing your point of view- thank you for taking the time to comment and be part of the conversation!