Wednesday, January 5, 2011

New Decade, New Beginnings

As I shed the remnants of 2010 like a bad virus, I am giddily optimistic about this new year, and in fact this whole decade. At the same time, I feel big changes shaking things up...the foundation beneath me trembling...
Everything is about to shift.

I'm ready.

I spent last night writing what I want from this year, what I want to see happen in my life in the coming decade. In doing this journaling and meditating, I saw a huge flaw in myself. I really need to work on feeling I "DESERVE" good things to happen to me. The problem is, I expect the bad things. They're like an old shoe. I know how to navigate trauma. But the good stuff- I don't trust it. It can be ripped out from under you at any moment.
You see? That's the problem. Always waiting for that other shoe to drop- expecting it in fact. When I think of those who have achieved their highest dreams, I'm sure they didn't share my negative thinking patterns.

And yet look at the love that surrounds me. Somehow I must believe enough in that, because I am truly surrounded by goodness and love. How did I learn to believe in love? To trust in love and the goodness of people, even when I was shown repeatedly that people could be cruel, and betray you? How did I end up in such a beautiful loving marriage, when I only saw destructive relationships growing up?

It may have been this. For years- after being betrayed again and again by my own family and "friends", I PRAYED and journaled and posted on my wall and my bathroom mirror that I deserved to be surrounded by like-minded, loving people, who loved me and treated me kindly. I don't know that I completely believed it at the time...but I prayed and wrote it anyway....over and over, until it finally came to pass. It is a miracle, a prayer answered, that we all have one another.

Also, years ago I wrote "I am now open to the possibility of all my wildest dreams coming true". I posted it on my mirror, looked at it every day. That year, at 39 years old, I found my biological father and three brothers.

I'm ready to set a course for myself, to start praying more for goodness, and training myself to believe in it. I told Troy last night I've not felt in control of my destiny at all for the last couple years. I've felt like a leaf drifting on the river, going wherever it took me, which was often over the edge of the rapids. I want to now learn how to navigate my own boat. I know I can't control the river, but I can set a course, and learn how to paddle.

I am excited to begin the journey. And I will pray for goodness, and write it even when I feel doubt, keeping myself on course for miracles.
Wanna come?


  1. Right there along with you girlie...sounds like the perfect plan. :-).

  2. Love you Hollye and I am with you all the way. You are a wonderful person who deserves to believe you are all that and more.

  3. Beautiful, Hollye. So glad to have met you through Denise and Erin. Well, we haven't actually met. But in reading your words, I feel like I kind of know you...Now. On to your journey toward good things...

  4. Wow, Hollye, I felt like you were writing my own thoughts in this post (as I often do) -- I have been going through this exact journey (well, my own variation of it), and the "deserving" part has been by far the hardest obstacle. I'm getting there though. It's a slow but incredibly deep process!
    Love, Barbara

  5. Hollye! You deserve everything you hope for.

    But I totally hear you on feeling unworthy! I'm just now realizing I deserve a small thing like a manicure. I think the ticket is to start small and realize that giving yourself a tiny thing shows you that you appreciate yourself. And then the bigger things you truly deserve will come.
    Try it! Go get a manicure today. I swear on it.


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