Monday, November 22, 2010

Lions and Tigers and Bears...oh my!

Lions and Tigers and Bears - Ha! They're nothing compared to roaches and black widows and centipedes, which is my disaster du jour. At least lions and tigers and bears can’t infiltrate your home right before Thanksgiving.
It’s as though the Halloween fairy paid a special visit. Or maybe the Wicked Witch. Or perhaps it’s Mother Nature letting me know my crappy year isn’t quite over yet- and this is her grand finale.
After having killed three black widows inside my house in the span of a week, and finding several three-inch long centipedes INSIDE MY HOUSE, the other night I was taking a cup out to make tea, and a cockroach skittled up my arm, causing me to scream and drop the cup. I didn’t know whether to call an exterminator or an exorcist.
We bought this house eleven years ago, and although it’s in a wilderness area, we have never had any trouble with insects or pest of any kind. But then again, this is 2010, the mother of all bad years. The (organic) exterminator told me that because California has basically had Spring for the past six months, perfect weather also helps insects to thrive and populate.
Anyhow, my husband and I spent all day Saturday moving our appliances out and scrubbing and sanitizing every square inch of this house. But what those bastard insects didn’t know was that Troy and I had snuggled in bed watching Avatar that morning (yes, we actually were the last people on Earth to see it). I was inspired. I was ready. I pictured Troy and I as the Navee, fighting the evil ones who sought to infiltrate our land. Except I did not look like Zoe Saldana flying on an alien pterodactyl’s back, wielding my bow. Here’s what I looked like: hair in a knot on my head, wearing pajama bottoms, fuzzy socks, a man’s extra large t-shirt, black industrial cleaning gloves, holding a mop and boric acid. I blew myself a kiss in the mirror, Oh yeaaaah girl, you’re bringing sexy back.
This is just the way it is right now. My life is not glamorous. What I’ve learned in my years on this planet is that it is a waste of energy to rail against what is.
Like everything else that’s happened this year, we had to come up with a formula for dealing with disaster. These are our FIVE As for handling a Dexterocious catastrophe.
1) Assessment: Stop saying oh my god and try to wrap your brain around the situation.
2) Acceptance: Pull your head out of your butt and accept that this is your new reality.
3) Action: Take your emotions out of it and do something rational.
4) Accounting: Get another loan to pay for most recent disaster.
5) Act: Act as if you believe everything is going to be okay, then pray like crazy.
So we’re employing our usual method to this one…and meanwhile I have construction guys here pounding on my walls, sealing up all the holes they left this Summer when they tore my house apart trying to find the solution to my plumbing/septic problems, which we're still having, and I’ll be spending all of today clearing out all my cupboards and drawers for the exterminator who comes tomorrow…
Honestly, with all the ridiculous disasters we’ve wrangled this year, I could write a book!


  1. At least you are still laughing. I know all this is just the last of the cleaning out and with such a supportive husband in Troy all is right in the family. Onward and upward. Love you Hollye and your writing.

  2. Oh girl I feel ya! This one gave me a giggle, and I can TOTALLY relate! Not to the bugs....thank goodness...but to the insanity of it all. Big prayers, positive thoughts, amazing friends and family...and it all works out...always. =) A.

  3. Oh yes..please write a book..and please send me a copy C.O.D.!!! I cant wait!!!
    As an aside...I have to disagree with one of your comments..although you have every right to feel what you feel ..and I would never dream of taking that honest feeling from you...I would however like to hear Troy's input..because I have sneaking suspicion he might side with me....
    when you said " My life is not glamorous."...I feel your life is glamorous indeed!....full of glamour actually...I mean you are the epitomy of what most men (and women) would consider glamorous. Whether in a mans t..and hair knotted up or are matter what...quite lovely to behold and very glamorous...! Blond shiny long hair, slim adorable figure, blue-eyed beauty with a lilting voice and a clock stopping smile...I do believe that defines glamour...gorgeousness....and sheer sexy on a stick!!!
    : )
    R u with me on this one Troy!!????

  4. LOVE the 5 A's!!! so brilliant!

    But have to say your latest infestation is kinda gag-inspiring ;) !!

    And PS must agree with Melody's compliments. xo


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