Sunday, May 30, 2010

Fight Club

My very first memory of life was seeing my mother being beaten by my stepfather. I was three years old, helpless to stop it. To this day my mother has health issues related to those beatings, and we all bear the emotional scars.
I was a good-natured child with a sunny disposition. I was eager to please, and would do anything I could to make my mother smile; sing, dance, tell jokes. I was also a little shrimp – the smallest kid in my class throughout grammar school, and sometimes I got picked on. But one day when I was about 10 years old, a boy tried to bully me, and I got angry, really angry. That was the day I started to fight. I was not going to end up helpless on the ground like my mother.
I got my ass kicked now and then, but I went down swinging. The above photo is of me, twelve years old, in a fight, (the only time I got in a fight with a girl). I’ve always been ashamed of this time in my life, this time when I was angry and tough and cynical. I never told anyone about it, because it’s not who I am today. I always felt I should apologize for having that in me - I’m a peaceful person who wants to be a force for good in the world. But it was that anger and ability to fight that helped me survive. So when an old friend turned up with this photo, I had to claim it. Yes, that was me. Angry little girl, trying not to end up on the same road her mother travelled. (and seriously, I had to give myself props for fighting in heels.)
This fight phase only lasted a few years. By the time I turned thirteen I had learned how to defend myself with words.
I hate to fight. I want to be the little girl I once was, before all the ugliness became reality. My whole purpose on this Earth is to heal myself, and to in turn be a healing and peaceful person for those who come in contact with me. But there are times when you have to stand your ground, and it’s not pretty (even in great shoes).
The wind is blowing today. I hate the wind, it creeps me out, and even worse, it does horrible things to my hair. The wind has always reminded me that change is coming, and change is uncomfortable, sometimes painful.
I’m in this awful fight phase now with my crazy violent neighbors, fighting to protect my children and the neighbors from their vicious pitbulls. To make matters ten times worse, some of the people I love most are behaving in hurtful ways at a time when I am fragile and vulnerable. So I am typing, typing, typing, hoping that some amazing epiphany is going to flow out and all this ugliness will make sense.
Nothing so far.
Type, type, type….still nothing.
Right now, life just sucks, and there is no apparent reason for it. Guess I could just put my dukes up, and put on some strappy heels.
Or I could pray for peace and healing ….
It just may be that both are in order.


  1. Be a mountain, Hollye. We are out here wishing you safety, peace, and strenght.

  2. Holly, WB here.

    I'm an in one of those "changes" right now, so I feel you there....but I wanted to say something about this thing with some of your friends and what may be going on there...

    My wife and I know of a couple whose 2 yr old was killed by a "totally cool with kids" pit bull in the room right next to them while they were out of the room for literally seconds.

    As a parent of a now almost 3 yr old daughter, I know I cannot comprehend how that moment of hearing something go wrong and running into that room to find their instantly dead child must have been, but I know enough to know the depths would be inescapable for me....I would not survive such an event.

    So having said that, my guess is that some of your friends are saying things like "it's not the dog, it's the OWNER", and "How dare you convict the dog, all dogs are good and it's the person who fucks them up" etc etc blah blah woof woof.

    It's a load of shit.

    Some dogs were bred to do certain things, and that's what they do best. Period.

    And they keep doing it.

    Yeh maybe it's not ultimately the dog's fault, but when you're faced with a 16 yr old gang member who's got a gun in your face, their past isn't your issue, their present IS.

    To put my conviction about these dogs into perspective, I would walk over to that house and shoot everything that moved if I thought it would save my daughter from the kind of fate the couple I mentioned suffered.

    Of course I'm not saying that's the right thing to do in your situation, nor am I saying it even makes sense in any circumstance, rather I'm saying as a sense of intent and how important I think the issue is. It IS a real thing, and anyone who doesn't get that is living in a world of fantasy and ignorant principles.

    So I'm TOTALLY with you on this, and feel for you. Bad neighbors can literally ruin your life, and the stress all this can cause can be worse than the thing itself.

    So my sympathies, hope I don't come off sounding like a Gun Crazed Alaskan Maniac......oh wait.......nahhhhhhh.....

  3. Holly that was very revealing of your past, I Have aliitle of that in my past. I happened to have had a wonderful childhood untill I reached 14 the teenage years when I was being a rebel without a cause. My father and I were having some knock down fights. My brother was beating on me and I learned how to kick ass. Had to defend myself.I too was the littlest girl in high school. the one good thing is I had so many friends. I was a comedian to hide the pain. If a girl ever messed with me she would be very surprized what a little girl could do.
    even men learned not to mess with me. It has saved me a few times in life. I feel quilty because I know I am not that person but I know it is buried in me. it can come out if I am around people who bring it out of me thats why I surround myself with great people !!!
    I have had neighbors that have tested my anger !!!
    Just be careful because things can happen that you would never think could. It is ok to have that inside we learn to be very strong and stand up for ourselves, speak our minds and never take disrepect. I don't see anything wrong with that. remember that was then, this is NOW !! thanx for sharing, I don't feel alone and feel closer to you !!! cath xo


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